It’s no secret that the pandemic has taken its toll on our friendships. Since coronavirus landed on our shores almost 12 months ago, we’ve had to swap dinner parties for Zoom pub quizzes, after work drinks for sporadic phone calls and coffee dates for socially distanced walksin the park – and that’s if we’re lucky enough to live near our friends.
A study from the University College London published in July last year found that in the first four months of the pandemic, 20% of Brits felt as if friendships with people outside their household had suffered while one in five also said their relationships with their housemates had also taken a turn for the worse.
Dr Daisy Fancourt, a professor of psychobiology and epidemiology at UCL, said at the time: “This is especially true of people with diagnosed mental health issues and younger adults, as well as those with lower household incomes, key workers, those living along and those living with children, all of whom may be facing greater financial or mental pressures which have been exacerbated during the lockdown period.”
Seven months on from this study, we don’t seem to be faring any better. Due to the lack of IRL meet-ups, Kate Leaver, author of The Friendship Cure, says we’ve had to rethink the way we communicate with people – but that video calls lack face-to-face chemistry.
“I think there’s been a resurgence in the old fashioned phone call and a real appreciation for how great a long rambling chat can be. We’ve also seen some of the artifice of socialising fall away. Where we may have relied on pubs and parties and outfits and music and ambience and entertainment and human touch to facilitate our friendship before now, we have had to really focus on communication,” Leaver tells Glamour.
“I also think it’s been strange and isolating and confusing. A lot can be lost in a text only exchange, it’s easy to misinterpret someone over an email, and back to back Zoom calls are exhausting.”
While the Zoom fatigue is real, could the answer to maintaining our friendships be video calls without any talking whatsoever? Enter: the silent Zoom call. An idea introduced to me by my boyfriend’s mum, a retired psychologist, who says what our virtual friendships are lacking are comfortable silences.
“The only time Harry Styles has ever been wrong is when he sang the words ‘comfortable silence is so overrated’,” Leaver says.
“I am a huge fan of comfortable silence, particularly between friends. I think it’s truly a sign that you’re at peace being in someone’s company. An urgent need to fill any silence that pops up can be a sign of discomfort or awkwardness. It’s obviously completely lovely to talk and gossip and debrief and chat at a million miles an hour with someone you love, but the best friendships have space for calm and quiet, too.”
Beverley Blackman, psychotherapist and Counselling Directory member says silence is often a sign that you are emotionally close with someone.
“They may be your close family, close friends, partners or housemates – people that you have spent a lot of time with, and whose habits and moods you know and understand well,” Blackman continues.
“Silences can mean many things, but they don’t always have to be filled. Often being silent with someone close feels relaxed, connected and companionable, as if there is no pressure on either of you to keep a conversation going because you are so comfortable together.”
The benefits of face-to-face interaction, Blackman says, is the ‘felt sense’ – an unconscious understanding of the other person and a sense of how they are feeling. Without this, friendship dynamics can feel “quite strange” until we adapt to this different, virtual way of being.
Blackman adds that silent video calls are something she’s come across often at work. For example, a couple who are in a long-distance relationship would call each other after work while they were preparing dinner so that it felt as if the other person was in the room with them.
“They would chat a little while preparing food and eating, or while pottering around their respective flats, and they would watch the same movie with a glass of wine together – for them, it was a lifeline and kept the relationship alive and happy while they were so far apart,” Blackman adds.
“I have also had a client who was an author using Zoom regularly with a friend who was a writer; both of them would concentrate on their own respective work during the time that they were on the call together, and both of them found it motivational, supportive and companionable to know that the other was there, and some great work was produced.”
Leaver says she “loves” the idea of a silent Zoom call – and recently participated in one herself while watching a film.
“One of the best social interactions I’ve had since lockdown is watching the worst movie in modern time, Wild Mountain Thyme, at the same time as my friend Corey. Just knowing she was watching it – and being able to debrief on Christopher Walken’s accent – was so comforting and joyous. Plus, I got to socialise in my pajamas, which I love,” Leaver adds.
“I would absolutely recommend keeping a friend on Zoom while you do something else, like read or cook or do a puzzle. The comfortable silence, the gentle hangs, the reassuring feeling of just knowing someone is experiencing the same moment as you. Doing nothing with someone is actually surprisingly intimate; I’d really recommend it. Until we can get back to lounging on each other’s sofas, doing nothing in the same space, I think silent Zooms are a lovely idea.”
If silent Zooms really aren’t your cup of tea, there’s plenty of other ways to maintain your friendships in these strange times as well. As well as voice notes, regular phone calls and sending each other care packages a simple text to a friend saying you’re thinking of them can do wonders.