Yeah, that’s right, I’m bringing the Zodiac trend to Shark Week and you literally can’t stop me. Knock knock, who’s there? IT’S SHARK WEEK, BABY.
While I might be the only one who cares, I can’t help but love this sacred holiday. My beloved Shark Week. One of the most innocent, low-risk, high-reward times of the years. You think you’re above sharks? Geographically you might be, but spiritually? Emotionally? Physically?
My friend, nobody is above sharks.
But perhaps you’d like to connect to the creatures—find common ground? Well, you may find an equivalent with them via your star signs—because it’s only in the stars that we might deign, might DARE, to find commonality with these gods among mortals, these beautiful, organic queens that we know as…sharks <3
Aries: Blacktip Shark
As the first of the fire signs, Aries are not to be messed with. They’re great friends, if a little unpredictable, but cross a line with them and they’ll tear you a new one.
Blacktips are much the same: beautiful to look at, sleek and powerful, but they’ve been known to take a nibble or two when a boundary is crossed. Just remember to stay in your swim lane and you won’t have a problem with these guys.
Taurus: Nurse Shark
Tauruses are known for being gentle and nurturing, if a little set in their ways, and for some reason, every Taurus I’ve met has had a yen for shellfish.
Ding ding ding, Nurse Shark is calling! These bottom-feeders are so harmless, they line the floors of most major aquariums, enjoying a steady diet of shrimp and mollusks. They keep the balance of any biome they’re in, and while they might be a little boring for the more action-oriented ocean-goers, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Gemini: Whitetip Shark
Geminis are one of the most infamous signs out there, but that’s mostly because they’re enigmas that are hard to understand. They have a reputation for looking out for Number One, and people either find that charming or incorrigible.
Similarly, most people find Whitetips either fascinating or horrifying. They’re one of the more aggressive sharks out there, but they’re also slow-movers, which lends a sense of unpredictability to them. You don’t want to be alone in the open ocean with them, but you can’t deny that they’re absolute stunners.
Cancer: Goblin Shark
No, no, this isn’t a dig on Cancers. Take it as a compliment! Cancers are pretty unique people, with sensitive temperaments but a grounded sense of reality. They feel things deeply, yet don’t seem to let it affect them as much as other sensitive signs.
And what shark is more unique than the Goblin shark? These guys can dislocate their jaws to create a goblinesque visage, which helps them consume larger prey. They have to do this in order to feast on the beasts of the deep ocean, where they live. Deep waters run…well, deep!
Leo: Tiger Shark
Oh, my dear sweet Leos. They’re flashy, tempestuous, and unforgettable. One minute, they’re the most charming people you’ll ever meet. And the next, they’re pulling enough stunts to convince you that you’ll never want to interact with another Leo again.
In other words: Tiger Shark Time, baby. These bad boys are gorgeous, undeniably so, but holy cow, they’re dangerous. It’s debatable, but I’d say they’re definitely the most aggressive sharks out there, which perfectly fits the most fiery of the fire signs.
Virgo: Cookiecutter Shark
Virgos are known for their perfectionist ways, needing things to be just so in order to sleep at night. An infringement on a Virgo’s schedule is akin to just slapping them in the face—and you wouldn’t want to do that, would you?
In this case, yes, part of this pairing is for the pun alone, but they still match quite well. Cookiecutters couldn’t take on a whole animal and kill it, heavens forbid! These lil’ guys just take what they need, with terribly sharp teeth that cut perfect little holes into their prey. If they were any bigger, they’d be the terrors of the sea, but as things stand, they only care to stay within their perfect little bubbles, carving perfect little circles. A Virgo paradise.
Libra: Whale Shark
The symbol for Libras is a balanced scale, which alludes to their preference for harmony. Libras are natural peacekeepers, who hate any sign of conflict and always strive for utter fairness.
In this sense, they are perfectly matched with the docile, beautiful Whale Shark. These sweethearts are big enough to clear a path wherever they go, and in doing so, they naturally break up any fights going on in the area. But they’d never, ever set out to purposefully harm anyone. They just wanna inhale krill, swim and chill, and for that, we can’t help but love ’em.
Scorpio: Great White
Hahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah.
I was raised by two Scorpios, so I feel qualified to speak on this without having to say much. My parents are dope, but scary. Great Whites are dope, but scary. If you disagree with me, well, to quote my parents, and every Great White ever: “Tough!”
Sagittarius: Hammerhead
It’s’a Me! And I didn’t just do this because I have any special fondness for Hammerheads (I actually prefer Great Whites, so trust me when I say I’m being impartial). Saggys are known for being explorers and wayfarers, who are generally harmless unless provoked.
And Hammerheads only look the way they do so they can be even more mobile than usual. With their weird ol’ heads, they can see more, and therefore do more: they can shake their heads in the sand to find more food, they can see predators coming from a further distance, and they can suss out where best to go next. They’re my travel buddies.
Oh, and we also have very, very sensitive noses. We can smell your BS comin’ from a mile away. Why do you think we like being alone so much?
Capricorn: Mako Shark
Every Capricorn I’ve met has been supremely neurotic, zippy, and odd, for better or for worse. They’re ambitious and idealistic people who get overwhelmed easily, again, for better or for worse.
Mako sharks are similarly very, very zippy, clocking in at some of the fastest swim-speeds in the entire ocean. They also prefer being alone, and in the open ocean, where they aren’t overloaded with competition. Something I find endearing about them is their endurance: like Capricorns, they’ll go to any length to find what they need, whether it be a lil snack, or a lil boyfriend. A shark boyfriend.
Aquarius: Greenland Shark
Most Aquariuses I’ve met have been fairly weird and dreamy, usually in an endearing way. They operate at their own pace and see the world in ways nobody else can, which can be either refreshing, or a little off-putting, depending on the crowd they find themselves in.
Similarly, I see people either making fun of Greenland sharks or lovin’ on them profusely. And if you’re in the first category, I say: shame on you! They’re old and sweet! They’re babies! All they do is amble along and mind their own business, with those freakish faces of theirs. With a mug like yours, you ought to understand!!!
Pisces: Angel Shark
Finally, we end with lil baby Pisces, arguably the softest of the signs. Pisces are emotionally fickle and feel deeply, but without proper defenses, this can be more of a curse than a blessing.
Angel Sharks are, unfortunately, the same way, as one of the most endangered shark species. They’re generally very harmless, only striking when severely provoked. All they want to do is bottom-dwell and sleep all day. Why deny them this simple pleasure? And why deny a Pisces an evening in, surrounded by Squishmallows and fairy lights?
In any case, thank you for joining me on this journey through the stars and the seas. Yes, this is largely a shitpost, but if you enjoyed it, consider donating to a conservation fund, so we may continue to live alongside these beautiful animals for generations to come. Pro Tip: adopting from WWF might land you a pretty cute little plushie…
(Featured Image: SyFy)
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