Simone Powderly, GLAMOUR’s Wellness Wednesday contributor, shares her experiences of PTSD. It’s a disorder that affects 3 in 100 people, but is rarely spoken about outside the context of war.
What is PTSD for me…
Anyone who has experienced trauma can develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was sexually abused as a child from the ages of seven to thirteen, and following that was diagnosed with PTSD in my twenties. There’s this assumption that only war veterans can get this diagnosis, but any kind of trauma can trigger it.
It may present itself physically with flashbacks and nightmares; this can feel really extreme, you can feel like you’re back in that moment. For me, I can go to bed perfectly fine and something unconsciously will happen, and then when I wake up in the morning I literally have to tell my brain “you’re not there, this isn’t real, it’s not happening again”. PTSD has made going about my everyday life, sitting on a bus would trigger me – I’d need to position myself near the door, and would hate if someone sat next to me, especially if it was a man who physically resembled my abuser. Or when I’d go clubbing in my youth, I’d need friends on either side of me at all times. Sexual relationships are hard, too, I can freeze or shut down. I have to do explain to people, this is why I’m in this or this is why I need this space.
Therapy, Therapy, Therapy…
As a victim of child sexual assault, lots of people have wanted me to “just move on”, but that’s not how trauma works – these are the effects that it’s having on my adult life. Everyone screams therapy, but it’s important to understand how visceral and draining it can be, therapy is not easy. In one session with my therapist, she made me go ‘back’ to childlike Simone, and she said even my body became childlike as I huddled over – that trauma was crushing my shoulder. It holds in your body. Therapy made me understand myself more and not feel crazy – my reactions to certain situations is just child-Simone trying to protect herself.
A lot of people that experienced trauma during their childhood dissociate. It wasn’t until I went to therapy that I really began to unpack what happened to me, you block it out to protect yourself, and therapy can unearth it.
Language matters…
As an influencer, I know I have a duty of care with what I post, and always try to be sensitive. People need to be more mindful of the language they use, as ‘Instagram’ mantras and language like ‘face your fears’ is triggering for me, you’re telling me my fears are in my imagination – but they’re not, my fears are very real to me. In the same way, words like ‘trigger’ and ‘trauma’ have become so normalised online, with ‘therapist’ language creeping into our everyday vocabulary, which can trivialise mental health when someone is actually being triggered or has trauma.
I’m thankful for the conversations people are having, but be mindful of the language that you’re using. Because trauma is a very real thing.
My advice if you think you might have PTSD
If you’re reading this, and anything sounds familiar – make a note. I know people say journals are good for this, I’m crap at journaling, but I’m really good at just noting things down. I’m really good that like noting things down. And so just make little notes, like when you wake up in the morning after a bad dream or freeze in a certain situation. Once you’ve built a journal of what’s happening with you, and feel ready, go to a doctor and start to connect the dots.
My hopes going forward…
I would love to see a better support system for those who experience trauma and have PTSD and this should be reflected in schools and workforces. If we become more trauma-informed we can then understand how to respond, because trauma has a daily effect on people’s lives. I remember the days of calling in sick or hiding in the toilets in the morning at work because I had been triggered but didn’t have someone to go to and I truly believe this is why I became so big about self-care… we constantly have to put things in place to get through my day-to-day.
Resources & what’s helped me…