Are you a working parent suddenly forced to homeschool your children while juggling your own job in addition to the psychological load of getting your family through a completely bizarre, unprecedented period in which they must spend nearly all of their time inside, not to mention keeping said home as clean and germ-free as possible? Or maybe you’re an essential frontline worker who has to risk contracting the coronavirus every time you leave the house, in addition to your various familial responsibilities? Or maybe, like the 6.6 million Americans who filed for unemployment last week, you’ve lost your job and must juggle childcare and remote learning in addition to figuring out how you’re going to afford food and rent? Whichever situation best describes your situation, you can probably all agree on one thing: You’ve got way too much time on your hands. And, you could use some good ideas re: how to fill it from a woman whose father’s incompetence has made our current hellscape 95% worse than it had to be.
In an interview with with Yahoo Finance, Ivanka Trump reported that in addition to doing her extremely ambiguous job from home, she’s been reading Greek epics and learning new instruments, a self-improvement regimen she assumes virtually all parents across the country are engaging in too. Taking the pandemic-inspired opportunity to “expand her mind,” the first daughter and limited-edition Marie Antoinette Barbie said she’s been using her newfound free time taking a course “in Greek and Roman mythology, [which means] rereading The Odyssey,” and “learn[ing] to play the guitar.” And not like one of you undisciplined slobs who ordered a ukulele off of Amazon and never took it out of the box—no, she’s actually putting serious time and effort into this. “Now I’m really working on it,” she told Yahoo’s Sibile Marcellus, “as I sit with my kids when they are sleeping or napping. That’s what I’m doing.” She added that she assumes her experience is similar to “pretty much every parent around the country.”
Elsewhere in Ivanka’s Tips for Life: COVID-19 Edition, the first daughter, whose net worth is roughly $375 million, added that she’s heard from “so many people” about how you can help a small business by “prepaying for a service that they know they’re going to avail themselves of sometime in the next six to 12 months” and thus threw a little money at her “local florist,” knowing that when this is all over she’ll undoubtedly get back to her weekly dinner parties that require individual arrangements in front of each place setting and God help the person who thinks they can bring freesias into her house and get away with it.
Weirdly, Ivanka’s interview didn’t go over, like, exceptionally well, with social media wondering aloud just WTF is wrong with her. “Ivanka (she’s just like us!!) plans on rereading The Odyssey and learning about mythology during the quarantine,” one person tweeted. “I actually had to watch the interview to make sure someone could could be so absolutely tone-deaf.”
Anyway, stay tuned for next week when Princess Purses gets her YouTube page up and running and starts offering tutorials re: how to maintain your Botox and fillers when your go-to plastic surgeon insists he can’t make house calls. Later in the month: How to broach the subject of having your nanny learn Russian since she doesn‘t have much else to do. Bonus content: How to ask your housekeeper to sleep in the backyard without making it awkward!