Emma Sothern, who has hair loss and blogs as Lady Alopecia, but didn’t always feel confident living with her condition. She has been with her partner for 9 years, but initially hid her hair loss from him with head scarves and wigs She says once she told him, his support following the disclosure helped her accept her alopecia.
Not all disabilities are concealable and thus happen more naturally. For Cynthia Zuber, a type 1 diabetic who’s also autistic, that’s been the case. Though she’s married now, historically she wouldn’t mention her condition before meeting someone for a date—she felt reluctant to let it define her to someone she hadn’t met yet. “My diabetes usually came up in conversation when I would either reach into my purse to pull out my blood sugar monitor or access my insulin pump,” she says. Her dates were typically understanding and would move on fairly quickly: “Surprisingly, it has never been a dealbreaker.”
Sothern observes upfront disability conversations can bring about emotional intimacy because the other person “will open up about their own insecurities too,” which can kickstart a genuine, supportive dialogue—a pretty ideal starting point from which to build a trusting relationship. Sothern says she had never felt happier or more confident in herself than after telling her partner about her disability—they’re about to get married, nearly 10 years later.
Consider a prepared statement
To simplify the process of disclosure, Gelassi, the public relations executive, copy-pastes a note from his phone to potential partners online: “If we meet though I should probably tell you something: it’s a thing I explain to EVERYONE I meet—but I have a physical disability. It’s not a huge deal and never has been a huge issue with previous boyfriends; I just walk a little funny like a drunk person would. Hopefully that’s not a deal breaker for us meeting but yeah.”
The candor works. “Most guys have been receptive to that, as was my boyfriend when I told him,” but Gelassi acknowledges disability biases exist. “Every now and then you will get someone who is just like, ‘Sorry, not into it’ and you just have to move on,” he says. “Why bother wasting your time on someone who won’t love you for all of you, disability and all, you know?”
According to Bobbi Palmer, a dating coach with multiple sclerosis, Gelassi’s approach is known as a prepared statement. “It’s something you have scripted that helps you share the information in a positive way, while maintaining your boundaries,” Palmer advises.
Allow the conversation to unfold over time
Personally, I’ve never had a prepared statement, but I do usually try to find subtle ways to hit on key points about my autism as it pertains to setting up dates. Sometimes that means telling someone to communicate directly with me and not expect me to read between the lines too much, or that loud and crowded places can overwhelm me, or I will only eat certain foods, so it’s best we pick a specific type of restaurant.
Regardless of when you have the initial conversation, disclosure is ultimately an evolving, ongoing conversation. Once at a college basketball game, the squeaking shoes were sending me into a sensory overload, and I had to explain to my then-boyfriend why I was feeling overwhelmed. We left the arena and headed home after I calmed down. When we had a similar experience at a J. Cole concert, he was understanding albeit a little disappointed about missing the rest of the show.
No matter how or when it happens, disclosing a disability is a highly personal and unique decision for everyone. At the end of the day, it’ll probably always be a little intimidating, although having something prepared in advance can help offset anxiety around the actual conversation. Ultimately, there’s no better feeling than expressing your most vulnerable quality to someone and receiving support and understanding in return.