This is something Ellie, a Teacher from Stockport knows all too well. She tells me that for her, fertility struggles caught her unawares. Six months of trying came and went, leaving Ellie wondering what was wrong.
“I’d get my period and I’d be devastated. It’s just the most horrible way for you to find out that you’re not pregnant. To see a load of blood. It’s just so visceral and tangible.” She tells me.
Ellie was eventually referred to an IVF fertility clinic. Now, she has two frozen embryos, waiting for insertion. But, Ellie is still finding pregnancy announcements unbearable.
“It just seems to happen under such beautiful circumstances – one friend got pregnant on their honeymoon. I’m obviously really happy for them, but I know that they know what I’m going through. And, I don’t want them to feel that they can’t tell me about their pregnancies. I just don’t know how to manage the news sometimes. It’s overwhelming.”
This feeling is echoed by Becky, Paths to Parenthub Founder, who tells me for her, friends falling pregnant was one of the hardest things she had to deal with. “Strangely,” Becky says, “It’s something that can still sting, even now I have my children, it’s like an in-built knee-jerk reaction I have.”
Dr Nitu Bajekal MD, a Senior Consultant Obstetrician and Gynaecologist tells me the truth is, that for women like us, there is no easy way. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t do anything about our fertility.
“Lifestyle changes are a crucial part of improving fertile health,” says Dr Nitu. “Nutrition, exercise, low stressors, improving your sleep schedules – all these things will help. As well as cutting out caffeine, alcohol and cigarettes. Which, I know sounds easier said than done, especially if your fertility journey is causing depression and anxiety.”
“But,” She continues, “It can help to reframe these changes. For example, you are not doing exercise to lose weight, but to become stronger for your pregnancy. Or, you are eating food to nourish your body, so it can rebalance itself and so forth.”
However, stress and fertility seem to go hand in hand. Dr Nitu notes that, for most people suffering with their fertility, very rarely do all intersections of fertile health, (like nutritionist support, GP’s, endocrinologists and gynaecologists), speak with one another.
This can leave patients left to fill in the blanks, wade through misinformation, chase appointments and have to repeat sensitive information over and over again. Then, there’s the timed intercourse (buckets of fun).
To add to this, she tells me that the biggest obstacle towards fertile health and parenthood isn’t always conditions like PCOS. The difficulty is accessing treatments, the biggest barrier being the waitlist for secondary care.
“Conditions like PCOS are generally simple to overcome. The road may be longer, but all hope is not lost. With the right fertility support, I’ve seen women fall pregnant within two years. But, waitlists make it harder to be seen in good time and not everyone can afford private healthcare. Plus, either route is not easy – or always a success story.”
And, therein lies the pain. Uncertainty has made me, and no doubt countless others, feel so alone. What if all this effort, energy and persistence in the pursuit of parenthood leaves us childless? What then?
“There’s definitely not enough people talking about infertility,” says Ellie. “It makes it harder to cope when – if, it happens to you. Nobody knows what to say or do, least of all you.”
Becky tells me that people need to understand that it’s, “I’m happy for you but sad for me.”
“It can be incredibly hard not to have an intense initial emotional and physical reaction, I remember genuinely feeling winded by the news. But, that doesn’t mean we’re not happy for you, it just means that the news has heightened the feelings of sadness for us.” She explains.
With numerous hardships to confront, people who are struggling to conceive need compassionate support – and for treatment and diagnosis to feel more accessible. But, most of all, we need you to know that we’re always, truly happy for you. We just need space for our sadness to exist too.