This article contains references to domestic abuse.
If you’ve never heard of trauma bonding, the chances are you’re familiar with how it manifests.
Take the phrase ‘mixed signals’, often used to describe the way a partner may alternate between love bombing and withholding affection from us. We’re all familiar of the concept of mixed signals, but – taken to the extreme – this behaviour can actually constitute emotional abuse.
This is where trauma bonding comes in. According to Dr. Avigail Lev, a psychotherapist and Director at the Bay Area CBT Center, a traumatic bond within an abusive relationship is formed through a repetitive cycle of “idealisation, devaluation, and intermittent reinforcement.” Let’s break that down:
During the idealisation phase, your partner may be incredibly charming and find new ways to be close to you, such as spending more time with you, complimenting you more than usual, or showering you with gifts.
While this phase initially feels good, it’s soon replaced by the devaluation phase, in which your partner’s behaviour shifts dramatically: they may become distant, depriving you of any attention or affection. They may even be verbally or physically abusive to you.
At this point, you’re likely to feel confused – or even scared – by your partner’s behaviour. Before you process this feelings however, your partner may have reverted back to the idealisation phase, making you feel loved and appreciated again. At this point, you’re likely to feel relief.
As your partner’s behaviour switches between idealisation and devaluation, you may unconsciously find yourself looking forward to their ‘good days’. This idea of seeking rewards (in this case, your partner when they’re being kind to you) at irregular intervals is known as intermittent reinforcement. And thus, a trauma bond between you and your partner is formed.
Dr. Lev explains that the “rapid cycling between punishment and reward” ensures that the victim is constantly “trying to improve and to get back to the idealisation phase.” They work “harder to please the abuser and becomes more dependent on the abuser to get out of the painful experience of the devaluation phase.”
She highlights intermittent reinforcement as the “most powerful form of behavioural modification,” as it “keeps the person hoping and thinking that things can improve,” meaning they’re less likely to leave the relationship. She adds:
“[The victim] believe(s) that if they just please the abuser then they can return to the love bombing phase. The victim blames [themselves] and becomes addicted to earning the approval of their abuser. They become dependent on their abuser to feel a sense of self-worth and soothing, becoming more addicted to the idealisation phase and the abuser.”
GLAMOUR also spoke to Alyssa Mairanz, Owner of Empower Your Mind Therapy, who added that trauma bonds can be formed in any relationship, from between family members and friends to members of organisations, such as cults.
Alyssa reiterates: “A trauma bond will not transform into a healthy relationship, no matter how much the person being abused hopes to fix it. It’s often mistaken for love in some form, but love doesn’t consist of a cycle of being mentally diminished or physically hurt.”
As with any aspect of domestic abuse, breaking a trauma bond is not easy – it will almost aways require the victim to leave the relationship, which takes safety planning and support from family, friends and/or an organisation such as Women’s Aid or Refuge.
For more information about emotional abuse and domestic violence, you can call The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247.
For more from Glamour UK’s Lucy Morgan, follow her on Instagram @lucyalexxandra.