In a just universe, no one would have to work in retail on the Friday after Thanksgiving, when frantic crowds descend looking for sales. Dubbed “Black Friday,” the day of frenzied bargain-hunting has now migrated online, where many, many deals can be had. Isn’t scrolling from the comfort of home more pleasant a prospect than fighting someone at Walmart in a post-turkey haze?
And yet. And yet. This is still America, and despite moves this year from mega-corporations like Target to close on Thanksgiving, in-person Black Friday endures like a pestilence. People will wait in long lines, brave packed stores in the middle of a pandemic, scream at each other, and harass the workers who would like to be having the day off, thank you very much.
But if you must go out shopping on Black Friday, don’t be like the horrible customers parodied in this brilliant compilation of Scott Seiss’s retail-oriented TikToks.
thinking of Him as black friday draws near🥴 pic.twitter.com/fSm4alVG6W
— The Soviet Onion™ (they/them) (@ASovietOnion) November 23, 2021
The TikToks are by comedian and writer Scott Seiss. You might remember Seiss from when he went viral for a searing “comedic” response to anti-vaxxers. Seiss’s deadpan style is perfectly suited to responding to annoying “customers” and their all-too-common complaints and requests. He has also sourced some of the common refrains workers hear from his audience. A sampling:
Bad customer: “I’m telling all of my friends not to shop here.”
Seiss: “Tell ’em. You think I want five other yous running around the store? Have ’em call me, I’ll tell them. You think you hate this place more than me? I work here.”
Bad customer: “Do you know how much money I spend here?”
Seiss: “More than you should.”
Bad customer: “Every time I come here, my order gets messed up.”
Seiss: “Then stop coming. Make my day. Every time you come here your order gets messed up? Sounds like you’re making the mistake. Look inward.”
And on and on, until finally, perfectly, we reach:
Bad customer: “I’d like to speak to your manager.”
Seiss: “I’m like to speak to your mother. Tell her she should be embarrassed. Raised someone to act like a baby in public. You want to speak to the manager? Please. The manager doesn’t know what’s going on. Haven’t you ever worked anywhere before?”
This is a reminder to not be the type of terrible, inconsiderate customer Scott Seiss would roast as you go about your shopping on Black Friday or any day.
Happy Thanksgiving!
(image: screengrab/Scott Seiss on TikTok & Twitter)
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