Hi. I’m a cat person.
You can go ahead and judge me now, but I am going to spend the next 800 words or so explaining why you are wrong, so you might want to hold off.
Here’s what I don’t understand about people’s aversion to cats – and by extension – the raised eyebrows and snarky commentary elicited by their owners.
Cats are awesome.
They are funny, furry creatures with complex personalities, arch expressions, a general disdain for anyone but themselves and an impressive penchant for acrobatics and small rodent murder, who give absolutely zero f***s about you. What’s not to love?
They make perfect pandemic pets because they are remarkably easy to care for. They are low-maintenance because they largely want you to leave them alone. They smell good, because unlike dogs, they spend their free time grooming as opposed to rolling in fox faeces. They look good, because cats are the Instagram influencers of the animal kingdom minus the fillers. And they are quiet- because they only communicate with you when they want something, which is almost never, as cats are the embodiment of an out-of-office bounceback email whenever you try and talk to them.
Cats are every shitty boy you’ve ever dated. They withhold love. They walk away when you move towards them, they cry when you pick them up, struggle when you try and cuddle. They want love on their own terms. You’ll spend all day trying to get Fluffy to notice you to no avail. But wait. Come 10pm, there’s that feline booty call.
“Hey, you up?”
And like the sucker that you are, you respond. And Fluffy gets her tummy rubbed, and snuggles next to you. And you breathlessly acquiesce because you feel so grateful to be chosen. You just feel honoured, really, that she chose your lap. Because of course you have no self-respect, you’re a cat person.
This is another thing I’ve taken umbrage with, in regard to ‘cat people.’ Why are all sad, single women brandished ‘cat ladies’? You think a lonely person would buy a cat?? What possible motivation could there be to buy the world’s most selfish and self-sufficient creature, if you were pinning for companionship? You want unbridled affection and blind, foolish, unconditional love? Get a goddamn dog!
Only the truly masochistic get cats.
That’s why cats are cool. They’re not for sad spinsters, they’re for sarcastic, interesting people who respect personal boundaries and autonomy and buy pets that treat them like shit. Cat people are up for a challenge, because cracking a relationship with a feline is like trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube- and just as satisfying.
There is nothing as admirable as the cool disinterest of a cat. They are celebrities with paws who reduce their owners to fans begging for a selfie. In every photo I take with my cat, she looks like a hostage with an attitude problem. Every time I call her, try and entice her to spend time with me, she raises her little kitty eyebrows in a look one can only describe as pity- pity for me and my sad desperation for her affection. But it only makes me try harder.
Because nothing beats the moment you get it- the days when she weaves her slinky furry body between your legs in a move that- sure, might be an attempt to trip you down the stairs- but may also be construed as genuine tenderness. The times she jumps on to the bed and curls up on your lap, demanding you move everything out of the way- laptops, books, boyfriends- to make space for her. Which, of course, you readily do, because it’s a rare sighting of feline love- a moment as fleeting as a comet, a solar eclipse, a complete sentence in a Trump speech.
In my mind, those who hate cats do so out of a dislike of complication. Cats may be simple to care for, but they are difficult to mine for love and attention. You cannot come home to the padding paws of feline admiration, the way a labrador will bound up to you when you come home from work. Dogs are straightforward, simple creatures. Cats are mistresses of mystery. Cute little tricksters who will ignore and outmanoeuvre you, not slobber over your face if you throw a ball for them.
If you need that constant, slobbering dog sort of love- good for you. But to me, a dog is the equivalent of someone who calls you unsolicited instead of texting like a normal person. A dog is that needy guy you went on one date with who still double-texts you. A cat, in contrast, is that cool exchange student who barely speaks to you- just broods in the corner, never replies to your messages, and keeps you wanting more.
If you like that kind of sexy indifference in a pet, get a cat. If you want a pet that is a constant challenge- get one for the next national lockdown. They will constantly infuriate and surprise you, they will keep you on your toes, they will capture your heart like that mouse they found in the garden- which they played with mercilessly until it perished.
Go on, become a cat person. You’ll be anything but bored.