For a brief moment, the argument over whether Tony Soprano is dead or not is settled; the mobster is alive, and the coronavirus is giving him the agita.
On the most recent episode of The Sopranos stars Michael Imperioli and Steve Schirripa‘s new Sopranos rewatch podcast Talking Sopranos, they shared some lines written by the creator of The Sopranos himself, David Chase, imagining how the main characters from the iconic mafia series would react to the coronavirus pandemic. Germaphobe Paulie Walnuts (Tony Sirico) would be vindicated, ruthless Phil Leotardo (Frank Vincent) would be profiteering off a truckload of hand sanitizer, and Tony (James Gandolfini) would be ready to open business back up because he’s losing money and can’t stand being trapped in the house with his family any longer.
Here are the lines Imperioli and Schirripa wrote, uncensored, because who are we to touch David Chase’s words?
PAULIE WALNUTS:
Man, people call me a germaphobe. Big laugh. Now, all I’ve got to say is, see, motherf—ers? And I knew some f—in’ thing like this was going to happen. I saw the Holy Mother at Bada Bing.
TONY SOPRANO:
Sports betting? F—ing gone with the wind, along with professional sports. Me and my friends are dying over here. The president might have a point. Let’s get business and manufacturing going again, by Easter, May Day, whatever the f—.
MEADOW SOPRANO:
I should’ve gone to medical school. I feel so bad about my decision.
CARMELA SOPRANO:
I’m so glad my daughter didn’t go to medical school. Imagine where’d she be right now.
CHRISTOPHER MOLTISANTI:
I’ve been to Hollywood. Out there they should call it the swine flu.
ADRIANA LA CERVA:
I’d volunteer or something. I feel so bad. I’ve been crying a lot, but I got an underlying condition. Irritable bowel syndrome, right? I can’t reach my doctor to find out if that would exclude me passing out masks or something.
DR. MELFI:
I’m on the second line over the hospital. When and if those brave docs burn out, I’m out next.
A.J. SOPRANO:
At one time I wanted to work for Trump. You believe it? F— me, dude.
CARMELA:
We’re not doing well with the quarantine in our house. It’s making me face the music that this is a dysfunctional family. But it’s keeping my husband in, which is good.
TONY:
Bing f—in’ shut down. My income stream was already compromised. We can keep the pork store open, though, essential critical infrastructure. Pork!
SILVIO DANTE:
We told the girls we’d keep them all on furlough. Lap dancers were the first to go.
JUNIOR SOPRANO:
What’s everybody upset about?
JOHNNY SACK:
It used to be part of our thing, going to the mattresses. But this?
BOBBY BACALA:
Yes, that’s all emergency. I took all this sh– because I got my predictions about it wrong. They said Quasimodo, T said Nostradamus, my wife bought a Nostradamus book, and I looked and it didn’t say anything about this. Weird thing is, though, my son Robert went to Notre Dame.
JUNIOR:
I saw on Fox this jerk-off, the lieutenant governor of Texas, said he didn’t mind dying to help the economy because he’s over 70 with some grandkids or some sh–. Maybe we can help him out with that.
PHIL LEOTARDO:
Truckload of hand sanitizer, I’m cleaning up.
TONY:
In my father’s day, you got polio, tuberculous, whatever the f—, you dealt with it. Whatever happen to Gary Cooper?
LIVIA SOPRANO:
You know what I’m gonna say.
The Sopranos actually has been directly impacted by the coronavirus; the release date of the Chase-scripted prequel movie The Many Saints of Newark has been pushed back from the fall of this year to March 12, 2021.
The Sopranos is currently available to stream for free via HBO.
Tony Sirico, Steven Van Zandt, James Gandolfini, Michael Imperioli, and Vincent Pastore in The Sopranos