Self-isolating with your significant other? Noticed anything different? Nearly two months in lockdown and you may have found yourself with a Gamer Guy who doesn’t budge from his Playstation, or a 1950s Husband who thinks your furloughed leave has made you Betty Draper. So, which CoronaMan are you living with?
The DIY Supremo
Jack has never built anything in his life. But Jack was furloughed three weeks ago and immediately bought himself a full tool box online. Now he’s tackling all the projects his wife has been asking about for years. He fixed the leaky sink tap in the bathroom, he put up the bookshelves they bought a year ago, he finally attached the baby gate they got for their now five-year-old son. Jack has power-drilled through all of his wife’s work meetings and dismantled all the kitchen cabinets in the background of her last video conference, whilst topless and wearing his new tool belt. Jack has run out of projects so he’s started breaking things, just so he can fix them. Jack’s wife has buried his tool belt in the garden.
The Boarding School Bro
Hugo isn’t fazed by lockdown. He knows how to have top bants: he boarded at Eton after all. After a week of self-isolation, Hugo starts calling his girlfriend by her surname and punching her on the arm. By week two, he’s rugby tackling her every time she comes out of the bathroom. The pranks begin in week three. He’s started wearing black tie from the waist up for their Zoom drinks with friends, flashing the ‘lads’ when he goes to refill the Bollinger. Hugo’s boarding school mates think he’s ‘hilair.’ Hugo’s girlfriend does not.
The Gamer Guy
Charles used to be great at Mario Kart, Call of Duty and Assassin’s Creed, until his mum confiscated his console during his A levels. When lockdown began, Charles decided to treat himself, and bought a new Playstation and a stack of games. Charles’ girlfriend wasn’t worried until he started playing at lunchtime. Soon he was playing until 4pm and his boss was emailing to ask where he was. Charles’ girlfriend has started jumping on his Zooms, saying he has food poisoning so he doesn’t lose his job. Charles and his girlfriend had a date last night. It wasn’t until he called her Tom that she realised he had his headset on beneath his messy Corona hair and was playing FIFA 20 under the table. Charles’ girlfriend posted his Playstation to his mum this morning.
The Smugsopartner
Lionel runs an environmentally-friendly startup that rescues baby seals and campaigns for feminist causes. In fact, Lionel met his wife at the 2017 Women’s March. Now they have two year old twins and are both working from home. It could be a nightmare, except Lionel – obviously – saves the day. He’s built a new playpen for the twins, complete with a Greta Thunberg mobile, all while rustling up their organic, gluten-free lunch, running a Zoom meeting and giving his wife a backrub. Lionel runs his #CoronaDad IGTV live every Tuesday evening and thinks he is Joe Wicks. Lionel’s wife’s friends all watch. They all hate Lionel. They all wish they were married to him.
The Buzz Cut Bro
Lee has always had a full-head of hair, he’s proud of it. But after a month of lockdown, he needs a haircut. He bought himself a pro electric shaver online. Lee’s girlfriend offered to help him, but Lee had a very stressful WFH day, got carried away, and now he has a buzzcut. Lee’s girlfriend hates it, but Lee loves it. Suddenly, he’s started having a meltdown about the pandemic. He’s drinking too much, he wants to grow a beard, he’s wearing work shirts with gym shorts and his girlfriend’s fluffy slippers. People have started avoiding him – more than the requisite two metres- when he queues for Tescos. Lee’s gone a little mad.
The 1950s Husband
Matthew is a key worker. His wife is a lawyer. She has been furloughed, he has not. Matthew was always a team player, but since the pandemic, he’s been behaving oddly. Now, he comes home from work and asks his wife what’s for dinner, puts his feet up and asks for a martini and a foot rub. He leaves her notes of what to pick up from the shops while he’s out. He’s started calling her ‘darling.’ Last week he gave her twenty-pounds and said ‘buy yourself something nice, sweetheart.’ He has started inquiring after the childrens’ health, without seeing them. Matthew feels powerful and smug. Matthew’s wife does not.
The Lads-On-Tour Bore
Steve was meant to be on four stags this year, all of which have been cancelled thanks to Coronavirus. Steve is disappointed, especially as he was Liam’s best man and was planning a rager in Barcelona in March. But a pandemic isn’t going to stop Steve. Two weekends ago, he hosted an all-out virtual stag for Liam- stacks of beer, burgers and poker until 5am. His girlfriend found him naked and asleep, covered in ketchup on the kitchen table the next morning. He has spent the last week researching Anthony’s stag for May and a lot of his research appears to be having a ‘lads night’ every Friday, as ‘stag practice’. Steve keeps asking his girlfriend how to order a virtual stripper. Steve’s girlfriend is worried.
The Furlough Fanatic
Richard is a workaholic who was furloughed a month ago. After moping around for a week, Richard’s girlfriend told him to find a new project. Richard’s girlfriend now wishes she had never said that. Richard took up Russian and started teaching himself how to play the cello. Richard’s girlfriend thinks there is no room for the cello in their one bed Dalston flat and has had all her zoom meetings interrupted by his loud cries of ‘spasibo!’ from his Duolingo lessons. She told him to find a less intrusive project. Richard is now writing a novel. He gets up at 6am and smokes gloomily out of the window. He has told his girlfriend her zoom meetings are interrupting his ‘artistic process’. Richard will be single after lockdown.
The Sourdough Man
Sourdough Man had a name once, but he doesn’t remember it. Sourdough Man had a job he was furloughed from, he doesn’t remember that either. His girlfriend keeps checking in on him, as he spends hours in the kitchen, mutely making more and more bread. Sourdough Man’s girlfriend asked him if he might like to make dinner once in a while, or maybe even just lunch. But Sourdough Man doesn’t cook dinner. He just makes sourdough.