A lot of bad things happened in the 2010s, but some good things happened, too. We finally got rid of trucker hats and popped collars! It was a decade free of Avatar and “Mambo No. 5”! Best of all, in the vacuum left by these cultural voids, we’ve enjoyed a whole lot of steamy moments. This decade, there were song lyrics about ass eating, and butts in general had their time in the sun. (Literally). Sure, we saw the global rise of the far-right, but we also got Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” music video and Rihanna, well, being Rihanna. Things were hot! On the brink of disaster, but hot.
Maybe it’s because we have access to porn in our pockets now, but each year society gets a little less uptight about sex scenes in television and movies. Sitcom couples used to not even sleep in the same bed and now we have Tiffany Haddish teaching us how to “grapefruit” a dick in movie theaters. I mean, think about how many naked scenes we had in Game of Thrones alone. In celebration, here are the absolute horniest on screen moments of the last decade:
Movies:
Magic Mike XXL (2015). The entire movie is a veritable feast for the horny among us (me). The hottest—and sweetest and also funniest—scene of the movie is when Big Dick Rick (Joe Manganiello) tries to cheer up a convenience store worker with a sexy dance to “I Want It That Way.” Who knew that spilling Cheetos Puffs on the floor could be hot? Joe knew, and he does it all simply to make a woman smile, with no aggression, no creepy agenda—just making a lady’s day with his abs.
Always Be My Maybe (2019). Keanu Reeves says, “I missed your taste.” What more can anyone possibly need? This line alone will sustain me through the 2020s.
Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011). Emma Stone finally agrees to take the massive player Ryan Gosling up on his offer (which is, spoiler alert, sex) and heads back to his rich person house. There, she asks him what his “Big Move” is and he tells her: He can do the lift from Dirty Dancing. His abs are hot. His Big Move is hot. His sheepish admission that he even has a Big Move is hot. Theoretically, this is how I want every date I’m ever on to go, except I don’t actually want to be lifted into the air by anyone.
Long Shot (2019). Charlize Theron can make anything short of Aileen Wuornos sexy, so she already has an advantage, but in this movie she actually got to be fun and not just One of the Most Gorgeous People Alive. When she and Seth Rogen are finally about to get it on she says, “I want you to fuck me from behind and slap my ass really hard,” which shocks him so thoroughly that he almost stops having sex. After he recovers, she seamlessly follows up with, “We’ll do exactly what you were imagining, and then you turn me around, slap me on my ass and choke me a little bit.” I think everyone in the theatre came.
Black Swan (2010). Have you ever been eaten out by someone so effectively that you forget that someone is your work nemesis? That’s essentially the plot of Black Swan. Sure, it would have been nice for the roles to have gone to two non-straight women, but I’m not going to ignore the impact it had on every guy friend I’ve ever had.
Hustlers (2019). Until Jennifer Lynn Lopez wins her Oscar for this role, I will not know peace. Her pole dance to “Criminal” to open the film is the epitome of hot, empowered sex appeal. Who knew that bedazzled captain’s hats could be regal? I don’t have the arm strength to do real pushups let alone spin myself around on a pole. If Christian Bale gaining and losing weight can get him nominations, then having her abs at age 49 most certainly deserves the academy’s blessing. Call me when Leo has waxed his asshole for a role.