The latest season of The Great British Bake Off aired it’s finale Friday on Netflix. And while it was a rather underwhelming season (possibly partially due to rumors that the bakers selected to compete were cake decorators with large Instagram followings rather than actual home bakers), with each technical challenge more disastrous than last, each week provided a healthy dose of my new favorite part of the show – Noel Fielding’s tops.
Much has already been made of his beautiful bevy of blouses and sweaters (like this ranking of last year’s shirts by the Independent), but I have taken it upon myself to rank this season’s festive finery according to the most exacting rule of all – how much do I personally want to wear them? Yes, this is a list based purely on my own personal tastes and preferences, but also I am objectively correct in all things so don’t @ me bro.
10. Finale Week
Unfortunately, I have to give this understated, elegant beauty last place. While I love black, and the black and white combos he seemed to favor this season, it’s just a little too simple. I would totally wear this, but it’s more of a basic wear-to-the-office sort of top. Particularly disappointing because: 1. this is the finale! Add some pizzazz! And 2. He’s standing right next to Prue in her most pizzazziest (shhh just go with it) frock. Last place for you, finale blouse!
9. Bread Week
Ok, don’t get me wrong. I love red. I love a good pop of leopard print. And I love that they are all wearing variations of the same shirt for this opening gag. However, while Noel is able to pull this top off, I think I would end up looking like Blanche Devereaux – wait that actually rules. Maybe I should have ranked this higher on the list.
8. Festival Week
I love the black blouse with the red and grey flower print. I love the big shaggy red coat. It’s basically the Clifford the Big Red Dog of jackets. Unfortunately he only wears this ensemble for the opening segment, (the rest of the episode he is in a basic black jacket) so I had to deduct major points. Perhaps there was the risk of the coat shedding and contaminating the bakes, but that’s a risk I would have been willing to take. Just saying!
7. Pastry Week
I love a good statement piece. I love going BOLD with the animal graphic. However, the snake is kind of a muddy brown, and while I like snakes, I don’t love them enough to feel like I could take ownership of this sort of look. The same way, that I don’t wear bee themed accessories because of my bee phobia, wearing this snake would make me feel dishonest.
6. Cake Week
Now this is an animal statement piece I can get behind! I am a cat lady through and through. I think graphic is also an interesting choice, choosing to present the tiger in profile, rather than head on. I would wear this everyday of the exactly two weeks of winter that we get in California.
5. Dairy Week
I love the ombre effect of the dark teal into an almost minty turquoise. I love the retro, 70s swirl pattern. It’s not too busy, but not too basic. A true stunner.
4. Patisserie Week (the Semi-Finals)
Speaking of busy! This shirt has it all! It’s got bears! It’s got cowboy hats! It’s got lassos! It’s got THE SOLAR SYSTEM. This galaxy cowboy goth fantasy is giving me life! And it’s in rich jewel tones, which I happen to wear like a champ. I would wear this shirt to my rural farming hometown every chance I got because they would love it but also be extremely confused by it! Win-win!
3. Dessert Week
This blue meanie-yellow-submarine-psychadelic Beatles sweater is absolute perfection. I love the weirdness and the boldness of it. A true masterpiece.
2. Roaring 20’s Week
This was my most difficult choice. I really wanted to give this the number one spot. Truly. It’s got playful puppies frolicking all over it, one of my most favorite things. Unfortunately, I just look absolutely terrible in pastels and especially that peachy tone. And because this ranking is all about me, I just couldn’t give it number one. It has number one in my heart, but not for my wearability. RIP Puppy Pastel Perfection.
1. Biscuit Week
The winner! I love this weird af sweater! A bonkers interpretation of the bad boys that get transformed into donkeys on Pinocchio’s “Pleasure Island,” it could just as easily be a bat boy! Or a sad llama! It is the statement piece that will have everyone guessing and scratching their heads. I would wear this to Thanksgiving dinner. That way, my relatives will be too distracted by figuring out my sad donkey boy to talk about politics! That’s what gives this sweater the win.
*BONUS*
While worn only for the opening gag of the season, attention must be paid to Noel’s Dorothy/Wizard of Oz drag. Thank you for your time.
(Photos: Netflix)
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